If You Kiss a Snake

If you kiss a snake, you’ll get carried away. If you kiss a snake, its eyes will get wet, and then they’ll melt. If you kiss a snake, you’ll turn into a Jewish F-I-S-H. If you kiss a snake, your father will become a hampster. If you kiss a snake, you’ll catch a bird in the other hand. If you kiss a snake, your vertebrae will weaken. A snake in the bathroom is worth a hampster in bed. If you kiss a snake, you’ll get Irish potato legs. If you kiss a snake, your feet will become Irish potatoes. A snake by any other name . . . What snake? If you kiss a snake, you’ll have to marry it. If you sleep with a snake, you’ll have to have babies. If you sleep with a snake, you’ll have immature dreams. If you kiss a snake, you’ll never be able to look in a mirror again. If you kiss a snake, you’ll have to wear an umbrella the rest of your life. If you kiss a snake, you’ll come down with a severe case of snake farts. If you kiss a snake, you’ll get VD. You’ll also get TV. If you kiss a snake, you’ll forget your tennis racket. If you kiss a snake, your zipper will get stuck. If you kiss a snake, you’ll become unglued. If you kiss a snake, you’ll get goose bumps, and then you’ll die. If you kiss a snake, you’ll become converted to Christianity. If you kiss it again, you’ll become a Jesus freak. If you kiss a snake, Barnum and Bailey will sign you up. If you kiss a snake, it will give you canned hampster meat. If you kiss a snake, your silver will become tarnished. If you kiss a snake, you’ll drown in the lake of tongues. If you kiss a snake, your nickels will become retarded. You can’t kiss a snake at the opera. But you can kiss a snake in a gas station. You can’t kiss a snake and Izzie Schwartz at the same time. Izzie Schwartz owns the venom factory. Izzie Schwartz is Jesus’s father. Izzie Schwartz made Mary Magdelin kiss a snake. Then he drank a cup of camel sperm, with an olive in it. Izzie Schwartz was accused of a venial sin, but it was only a snake skin. Izzie Schwartz had a hampster under each armpit. If you kiss a snake, you’ll die old. If you kiss a snake, everything can happen to you, right? If you kiss a snake, the snake really kisses you. Izzie Schwartz was kissed by a snake, and he’s the only man known to have liked it. Izzie Schwartz committed suicide in 1969. In 1968 he kissed the snake. If you kiss a snake, everyone will kid you about it. If you kiss a snake, you’ll never be able to live it down. If you kiss a snake, you’ll disagree about who’s writing this poem. If you kiss a snake, your identity will be refused. If you kiss a snake, you might love your snake instead of your vanity. If you kiss a snake, they’ll crucify you in the morning. If you kiss a snake, you better say “yech” three times. If you kiss a snake, watch out it doesn’t kiss you back, but if it does, be careful its tongue doesn’t enter your mouth. If you kiss a snake, your mind will be purified, but nobody will be able to tell, looking through your ashes. If you kiss a stake, they’ll burn you at the snake. If you kiss a snake, the snake will make you eat pumpkin pie. If you kiss a snake, you’ll get three wishes. If you kiss a snake, you’ll have to do an Irish jig. If you kiss a snake, you’ll fuck your own mother, and marry your father to a troll. If you kiss a snake, unless you find a five-leaf clover, St. Patrick will stone you dead with potatoes. If you kiss a snake, your lips will get potato rot. If you kiss a snake, you’ll have to make potato soup for the rest of your life. If you kiss a snake, it will make you eat its potato salad. If you kiss a snake, your blood will become a dodo bird’s blood. If you kiss a snake, your penis will turn into a tooth, unless you’re a woman, and then your breasts will be reborn. If you kiss a snake, you’ll have to give it suck. You have to suck a snake to get it off. The only thing a snake wants to do is get off. After it gets off, it will make you clean it up. A good snake has pubic hair. A bad snake is under puberty. A good snake has no control Snakes are always wrong. If you kiss a snake, it will make you lick the salt off its scrotum. If you kiss a snake, it will prostrate itself. If you kiss a snake, it will make you go on the warpath. If you kiss a snake, it will admit it is a Catholic. A catholick. If you kiss a snake, get ready for the Pope. If you kiss a snake, the pope is next. If you kiss a snake, you’ll get morning sickness every night. If you kiss a snake in public, you won’t need a medicine man, but you’ll have to pay him anyway. If you kiss a snake, the pre-Columbian gods will strike you dead. But then your luck will change. If you kiss a snake, he’ll short change you. If you kiss a snake, you’ll get sick of it. If you kiss a snake, it’ll make you chew its tail. If you kiss a snake, it will do imitations of you. If you kiss a baby snake, its father will sew a scarlet letter on your forehead. If you kiss a snake, you’ll have to wear a vagina on your forehead.. If you kiss a snake, your mustache will tingle, tangle, and do the tango. If you kiss a snake, your desire will never end at the beginning. If you kiss a snake, the lady of snakes will get fatter. If you kiss a snake, your spine will spiral. If you kiss a snake, you’ll develop a tail. If you kiss a snake, your younger sister will marry a fish. If you kiss a snake, you’ll have to wear its pajamas. If you kiss a snake, your eyes will turn orange. If you kiss a snake, your eyes will turn over. Don’t kiss a snake in the bathroom, or it will turn into a driveway. Or it will turn into a rubber tire. Or it will turn into a toilet. A pay toilet. If you kiss a snake in bed, it will stain the sheets. If you kiss a snake in the bathroom, it’s your tough luck. If you kiss a snake’s wife, he’ll be one up on you. If you kiss a snake, you’ll be a man, my son. Go east, young snake. If you kiss a snake, you’ll have to elope with its sibling. A good snake will have tubal stigmatism. Kiss a snake, and you’ll get snake stigmata. Kiss a snake, curse God, and die. If you kiss a snake, you’ll have to burn with Isshab, Ahab, and Abednego. If you kiss a snake, you’ll have to light its fire. If you kiss a snake, you’ll have to marry all its neices. If you kiss a snake, you’ll have to see a marriage counselor. If you really kiss a snake, you won’t think this is funny one bit. If you kiss a snake, you’ll appreciate a wet mouth and a dry wit. If you kiss a snake, you’ll want to hide your love away. Here I stand, snake in hand, turn my snake to the wall, feeling a snake in the balls. If you kiss a snake, your father will kick you out of the house. If you kiss a snake, you won’t be able to eat any more meatballs. If you kiss a snake, you’ll have to spit in a dry well, or you’ll drown in a bathtub. If you kiss a snake, you’ll be able to afford a peugot. If you kiss a snake, Peter Pan will cross you off his list. There’s no insurance against snake kissing. If you want to win an election, accuse your opponent of kissing a snake. If you kiss a snake and don’t confess it, your nose will grow. If you kiss a snake on the lips, you’ll get chapped lips. If you kiss a snake on the tail, you’ll get hemorrhoids. If you kiss a snake, you’ll never be able to worship the sun god again. If you kiss a snake, the devil will congratulate you, right after the Pope. Kiss a snake quickly or you’ll get cold blood and chicken out. Then he’ll eat you. If you can kiss a snake, no temptation is too great. If you can kiss a snake, nothing’s safe. When you kiss a snake, hold your breath. Give me liberty, or give me the kiss of the snake. Let them kiss snake. Kiss my snake. Snakes don’t laugh. Snakes can’t laugh. If you laugh when you kiss a snake, you’ll never laugh last. again. If you kiss a snake and don’t appologize, it will take away your food stamps. If you can’t kiss a snake, you’ve probably got no lips. If you can’t kiss a snake, try kissing a lizard or a newt. If you kiss a snake, nothing will ever be the same. Never take a snake by the tail. Kissing snakes is against all the city laws. Kissing a snake is an act of conscience. If you kiss a snake, you’ll never get away with it.

5 June 1975