32: Habit

I counted my steps in grade school, hanging my coat each morning on the same hook; I let my lips dry shut; I had found a place where I was safe. Eventually, I didn’t want to be invisible. Other kids were shining. I realized I was lonely and vowed to prove myself by studying harder, learning more. Discipline! Discipline to break the habits that tied me to my unhappiness. A prodigy, to expend such energy. In my dreams, I flew, but not like Superman. I floated up and down like a spot on an eye. Yet, I learned that habits of thought rely on a “species of natural instinct which no reasoning or process of thought and understanding is able either to reproduce or prevent.”¹