First communion: 4

She has to explain what’s happening to her body on her own, waking up in the night from nightmares of martyrs with gaping slashes, afraid to fall asleep until morning banishes the shadows. Ideal love. Love from her heart but not of her body. She knows the path to hell is to succumb to pleasure, but no priest without knowing can sympathize, and heaven has given her only weaknesses. Here the Virgin-Mother stands over her. Is she loving, or is she stern? Is her unflinching smile telling her to lock it up? In her grief does she show how to bear the dead body of her child? She learns to model purity when she feels impure. She wants to be the perfect wife, not a seductress. She holds a candle in her trembling hand and doesn’t flinch when the hot wax drips upon her fingers.