Vitamin R

When the oil on an organic corn chip goes rancid under the right conditions, a previously undocumented vitamin can be found among the aldehydes and ketones that is otherwise present in only extremely small doses. Vitamin R is intoxicating, but isn’t detectable by breathalyzers. In addition, it seems to act in the body like a steroid, but, again, it isn’t detectable by standard urine tests. This was first hypothesized by pharmacist Bill Smoothie in Valdosta, Georgia, and Bill made the mistake of telling his wife, Alice, who told her friend, Beatrice, whose teenage son, Kevin, overheard. The next morning, organic corn chips were sold out from the Publix Super Markets at Perimeter Park and Baytree Village, and Kevin was on his way to heaven with his friends Billy and Petey. Metabolism of vitamin R takes about three hours, but within that time, the three teens had driven to Moody Air Force Base, overpowered the mechanics, and taken possession of an HC-130J. Since they didn’t know how to fly this large aircraft, or even how to get it out of the hanger, and the effects of vitamin R were wearing off, Kevin, at least, felt foolish. The only beneficial effect of vitamin R is the beautification of roads in southern Georgia, as Kevin and other teens were put on litter-picking duties for their mandatory community service.